Afraid to be alone [A knowledge post]
In my experience, there are 4 aspects that go into the mastery of being alone:
Distraction
Presence
Energy
Goodness
Distraction
As an extrovert, I always find alone time intimidating. I oftentimes find myself restless or bored or seeking an activity. So much of the last few years of my life has been activity-based. When I decided to stop watching TV in high school, I had to cope with realizing that throughout my whole life, I had created "distractions". We all create distractions in our lives. Distractions that could potentially consume us. We are what we think of 80% of the day. So if we spend 80% of our day staring out a window, thinking about make-believe scenarios, watching TV, reading a book, listening to music, we are not living. Our personality should be an outcome of our core beliefs, loves, thoughts, and influences...not of distractions. Why are we afraid of being present? Must we distract ourselves every minute of the day?
Do not be afraid of the person you are when you are not entertaining worldly thoughts.
Presence
Between living in the future and indulging in the distractions, it is really difficult to stay present. I want to laugh because someone told me a joke, not because I want to entertain the person's ego. I want to listen, really listen to someone in an attempt to feel their emotion and experience, not thinking of my next response before they finish their last sentence.
Presence is sharing. It's sharing experience whether sharing it be sharing it with others or yourself. I constantly forget to share experiences with myself. If I'm on the top of the mountain, and all I use is words to describe how I feel, I'm not sharing the experience with myself, I'm sharing it with words I already know and sentences I've most likely already said. If I'm on top of a mountain, I want to close my eyes, unembarrassed, and become cognizant of my heartbeat, the dryness of my tongue, the feel of the wind or the sound of the silence. I want to look at the speckles in Emmy's eye color or become aware of the way Megan's smile differs when she's happy vs when she's embarrassed or the memorize the feeling of Adnan's hug.
Becoming infatuated with a love for others and all the goodness that can be between two people. Becoming so infatuated with a love that is ever-present, that is us, that is God-given, that it consumes our entire being.
Share life with yourself in the exact moment that it is happening.
Energy
Note to self: Don't forget, you are not a separate entity. Also, you are not in control of your life. You are only in control of how you channel the energy around you. Don't contend with your surroundings. You are your surroundings. Let yourself be influenced by the energy surrounding you.
Let yourself gravitate naturally towards what is good.
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
Goodness
Saint Francis de Sales once said, "never be in a hurry". It is in slowing down that I can feel reverence toward all that flows to and fro. It is then that I can meditate on what feels good and right. It is then that I can reach a sense of whole. When I focus on [God]'s presence, the good is unprecedented. It is sturdy, strong, and surrounding. Goodness is not a feeling or an action, it is a calm, endless communication between the earth, [God], and you.
**For those without an experience leading to the observation of a God, God is placed in []. God is as you wish. More simply, I refer to a presence that is wholly good.
Alone
I spend time alone. I spend time by myself. I do not, however, spend time "with myself". Spending time "with oneself" is something different. I constantly preach gratefulness and appreciation to myself, but it really does boil down to that. If you spend time with yourself, you open up, you let go, you give in. It's too exhausting to hide from yourself. Don't forget that the open, transparent, vulnerable you..is good.
We derive from goodness, and that's it.
I am not shamed. I am open to myself and I spend time with myself because I enjoy loving myself.
Being alone is just enjoying loving yourself. Loving yourself is a feeling, a necessary commitment, but enjoying loving yourself is an experience. Take time to smile and feel the warmth in your fingers and enjoy the calm in a deep breath.
Enjoy one's love for thyself
